Now, this was expected. I had a week of cheat days. I didn't cheat as hard as I do on my "cheat days" on most of the days, but I didn't respect any of the rules, and imbibed my share of sugar and salt. However, it reminds me that there is cause and effect, and of the struggle I've had with weight loss and weight gain for most of my conscious life.
The first time I noticed I wasn't the healthiest little kid was when I was 8 years old. Up to that point, I didn't have the greatest eating habits. My mother would really try to get my brother and I to eat healthy, and my dad would go through periods of eating extremely healthy as well, but my brother and I resisted, doing things like sneaking off to eat chocolate at my grandma's house across the street. We would take a little pile from her candy jar, and plop in front of the TV that was full of cable shows that we didn't have at home. I was an active little kid, however, and so it didn't effect my body as much. I was swimming, doing karate, playing basketball, softball. My body wasn't transitioning into adulthood just yet. When I turned 8, my family moved from Virginia to North Carolina, and I had to make a whole new set of friends, which was daunting. I had some great girlfriends, but I was bullied a lot. It was also the age I started singing in public, which gathered a lot of positive and negative attention. This transitional depression caused a weight gain that was very noticeable. It stayed on through most of my formative years. As much as I would move my body, I couldn't quite equalize what was going in and going out. I also would eat just like my brother, who is two years older, and was a football player. In my mind, everything had to be equal, or it wasn't fair. I also watched a lot of TV, sitting on the couch. After a lot of bullying, and just being depressed about how much bigger I was than the other girls, I started exercising. I would do exercise videos, run sprints in the morning. This still wasn't changing my situation, so I gave up, sat back on the couch, and got bigger.
As I grew into a pre-teen and a teenager, I was still very fixated on being thin, especially because I was constantly performing in musical theatre shows, church, school, coffee houses and other settings. I really wanted to look good on the stage, fit into the costumes. I also really wanted to attract boys. I had always been boy crazy, and always seemed to be second pick. I was very concerned about their attention. It made me feel good if a boy liked me, no matter who he was. I really thought I wouldn't be happy until I was thin.
The problem was, I was right. When I was 15, the Atkins diet became a huge craze, so I tried it. And it worked. It was like a gateway drug. Finally, I was losing the weight I wanted to lose. And the more weight I lost, the more positive responses I got from friends, family, teachers, directors, boys. When I started to plateau, I had to add something else into the mix. I had to keep feeling good. On top of Atkins, I started eating less, half of what I was eating normally. And that half became half. And if I had a moment of weakness, usually at night while watching TV, I would go into the backyard and regurgitate it. Sometimes I would do this in school if I overindulged. I also started eating sugar free candy, which has chemicals in it that act as a laxative. And to top it all off, I was really using my PE classes--running, and staying active during the class as much as possible, and doing 1hr intense Tae-bo videos every day.
I looked great. Boys asked me out on dates. I got the ingenue roles. And I felt so good. I felt like an emotional weight had been lifted from me. Like I didn't have to make an excuse for myself. I felt confident. I felt like I could do anything. Control anything that was out of control. I felt my light shining brighter than any time in my life. I was accomplishing so much as a result of not being heavy.
But I was sick. My stomach would make these horribly loud noises, I would feel faint a lot. My family started to catch on that I wasn't losing weight in the most healthy way. I also started going to a new school that was far way, so I had no time for exercise, and I knew I couldn't keep the eating habits up. So I went back to normal eating, and gained everything back. The depression came back too.
In early college, I started an exercise and eating regimen that was very healthy. I started to look a little healthier, and I felt confident too. I still wasn't a twig, but I wasn't a fat girl either. I started to feel good again. I started to feel that weight off of my personality.
But the summer of 2008, I found beer. And everything changed. I put on 20lbs in one summer and didn't lose it until 2012. The consistent beer drinking made me crave more sugar and more carbohydrates. I was still exercising regularly, but it wasn't effecting weight loss.
After college, I moved to NYC to pursue my degree in musical theatre. I knew my body wasn't ready. When I went in for auditions, I knew that my weight was an issue. A couple casting directors told me so as well. This didn't hurt me, since I understand that they have a product to sell. So I got a job on cruise ships to lose the weight, get healthy, get back in there.
But this didn't happen for a long time. My drinking habits were still not under control and nor were my eating habits. I couldn't seem to change it up. What was stopping me? Wasn't this something I wanted to do? Something I knew would make me feel better?
What I started to realize through talking with people, reading books, and meditating, was that I was pushing a large unnecessary bolder up a hill. I didn't understand that for any change to happen, that I needed to change the way I thought about myself and my body and their relationship. I realized how much my thoughts are connected to the way my body looks. How the depressed times created the weight gain, and not the other way around. It prevented me from changing what I was doing every day because I felt helpless.
I can say that I feel good about where my body is right now. It could be better, and for a career as a performer, there is more pressure for it to be better. But at least now I know that I'm not helpless. My weight change is my choice, every day. And the feeling good should just be there, no matter what. The weight change doesn't need to be for my family, it doesn't need to be for male attention, it doesn't need to be there for me to feel comfortable in social and performance settings. I shouldn't have to use it as an excuse. My weight loss will just happen because I feel good, and I have enough of the correct information.
However, I have relapses, like that 6lbs. This has been a lifelong struggle, so its going to be hard to let go of old habits and old ways of thinking. But it's worth working for. Its worth guessing and checking. Its worth slowly changing my mind.
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