Great American Challenge! Special Cheat Week 2nd Post!

Zach: Good Afternoon Cheat Day fans! I am writing to you all today in my very public internet diary for one specific and fun reason: This year Liz's roommate Jacob and I had a joint birthday party to the theme of the Great American Challenge (No, not the giant Dildo). Click here to read the Urban Dictionary published rules of the Great American Challenge. The Zach Finch/Jacob Brown Birthday rules consisted of these here:

2 teams of 4 must consume:

1 Cube (30 pack) of PBR
1/8 of an ounce
1 XL Pizza from Dominoes

Once all of the aforementioned has been consumed each team must complete a 100 piece puzzle. First team to complete everything is the winner and champion of all!

Look, it may sound scary but this is DEFINITELY an event to have on a Cheat Day! Certainly if you are going to cheat for a whole week. I talked to all of the competitors the next day and not ONE of us felt dead to the world. A couple of us were still floating a little high in the sky for a whi…le, but still. EVERYONE was able to function that whole night AND the next day. Plus everyone was in CRAZY fun party mode in like 15 minutes.

To recount all of the hilarious details would be impossible for one man. I encourage any of the participants to leave comments on this post to give their take as well. But here's mine anyway:

Team Wolf Pussy

Everybody Have a GOOD CLEAN Match

The 8 contestants Team Wolf Pussy and Team Funky Dong Sniffers (made up name cause I forget what they were really called), 2 very stern/half sober referee's, and lovely hostess assembled at the challenge area at about 8pm. After a very ceremonious introduction, including "national anthems," team photos, shaking of the hands, and other fan fare we were underway shortly before 9pm. And OFF WE WENT!



I must have downed three beers in 5 minutes all while taking small puffs from the eigth. After each beer I yelled out "EMPTY" per the referee's orders, and they came to collect the empty making SURE it was in fact empty. My other team mates were working really hard on the 8th so I decided I should maybe help. I reached back into my cigarette rolling days and rolled us up a couple of joints. So, while continuing to pound beers I enjoyed a whole joint or two to myself. One, particularly mean looking ref popped in a short time later clicking his pen. He asked, "How we doing in here?"

Team Funky Dong Sniffers

To which the room replied, "Look at TONY looking all serious and shit MAN! You're awesome TONY! You're doing SUCH a good job being a referee! FUCKER!" This statement, believe it or not, contained absolutely no sarcasm.

He looked at us, still clicking away at his pen and said, "Boy, you guys are pretty fucked up aren't you?"

"HELL YEAH," we eagerly agreed as a group.

"You know it's only been like 15 minutes right?," said the referee in amazement.

Refs Tony and Marie

After hearing this, Jacob and I thought it a good idea for the two of us to get focused on the beer consumption while we let the two seasoned smokers do what they do best. So out of our designated smoke area we went. What we stumbled upon was one of my favorite parts of the night. The lovely Liz, who was host for the evening, was "just chilling" in the warmly lit open living room of her apartment. She was playing the sweet "chill music" of Andrew Byrd and asked Jacob and I to sit there under the big beautiful window overlooking her comforting, quaint, any-town-USA of a block. The perfect place for a Great American Challenge.

Jacob and I stayed and chatted and joked with the lovely Liz for what felt like 2 seconds but what was actually something like 10 minutes, until, suddenly, out from the smoke room came our team's self appointed righteous captain yelling obscenities at us. "Jacob, Zach! What the hell are you boys doing out here?! You'd better be drinking! We're in the other room doing all the work and you're out here lollygagging with Liz!"

To which we responded, I am sure with the utmost articulation, "Fug you, we're pounding BEERS over here getting our sweat on and making our belly's full!" But, realizing it may be time for a switch we stormed back into the smoke room and continued blasting through everything.

What must have been about half an hour later, but felt like 5 minutes later, the refs came in and informed us we only needed to drink 5 more beers and whatever was left of the mary jane and we could move on to the puzzle. We finished that pizza in the first 10 minutes, so we no longer had to worry about that. We were stoked! We very quickly chugged a beer each and split the last one. We also took turns hitting the bowl which contained the last of the 8th. Done! Except... just before we got to start the puzzle, I pounded the LAST bit of beer (taken from the final drippings of each can) which the refs poured into a pint glass, GROSS, but I am in it to WIN.

Side Note: I'd like to make note how strange the perception of time is when on some inhibitors. At the start of the challenge time crawled, once we got close to the end it seemed to fly. It probably seemed the other way around to the referees and to those who weren't participating. The perception of time on drugs and alcohol is the same as the perception of time throughout one's life span as opposed to a singular day. "Life is like a toilet paper roll..the closer you get to the end the faster it goes" said my old High School Government Teacher.

Anyway, The Puzzle was treacherous. Certainly more than I bargained for. The people in charge of purchasing these 100 piece puzzles cruelly purchased HOLOGRAM puzzles. These REALLY messed with our already messed up minds. It took us probably a good hour just to get used to these puzzle pieces containing three different images based on from what angle you are looking at it. It was long and tough (that's what she said). I could not concentrate (that's what she said). The holograms were confusing(that's…never mind). My team mates began getting nervous as I zoned in and out. People were yelling.

Finally, about 20 minutes later the Funky Dong Sniffers rush to begin their puzzle. I clearly did not have the will to win as I snagged a piece of birthday cake the lovely Liz made for me. The birthday cake was an ice cream cake made from ice cream sandwiches, crushed snickers bars, and icing. Delicious! Especially under the influence. The Funky Dong Sniffers  pulled ahead and ultimately won the whole challenge while Wolf Pussy was a mere 4 puzzle pieces away….rats. Luckily it was my party and I could cry if I wanted.

Team Funky Dong Sniffer's Winning Puzzle

Wolf Pussy's close bu no Cigar Puzzle

Here's a tip, make sure you get matching puzzles ladies and gentleman. The puzzle is KEY.