Holi-CHEAT-day

Dinner Cruise

What up you cheatin' ass busters. I am back for a special edition of Cheat Day. Don't Care. A HOLIDAY edition. YES, the holidays are WAY behind us now and NO I am not technically on a diet which ALLOWS for a cheat day, or really any diet specifically right now! Though I am loosely following The Plant Paradox with Liz, in case you are wondering. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! GOD DAMMIT!

I'm here to talk to you about everyone's favorite Cheat SEASON. A season known for such gluttony that we as a culture have deemed it necessary to declare RESOLUTIONS to prevent us from living like FAT DISGUSTING SLOBS until the end of TIME! Dry January, Gym Memberships, Whole 30, PLANT PARADOX! MY GOD! Please allow me (and yourself) to relive the glory that is the Cheatenist season of them all, the holidays.

Sport Cap

My holiday officially began on December 23rd. But let's face it, my fat ass was snacking on holiday cookies and candy well before that. Try NOVEMBER 23rd FUCKIN' FUCKERS. But this is specifically about my Holiday Break/Vacation to SUNNY CLEARWATER FLORIDA! Where all the scientologists are imprisoned...imprisoned is the scientologist word for live. I landed and I wasn't feeling my best. BUT my ever loving father and brother picked me up from the airport with a 16oz Miller Light SPORT CAP. Sport cap is what we call those aluminum bottles with a cap that twists off and back on again... ya know, so we can get back to playing SPORTS. So what did my exhausted and sick ass do? DRANK DAT SHIIIIIT! It may have been the worst beer I've ever drank before noon.

Parent's Place in FLA

Taco Ring

Taco Pie

I got to my parents' new humble ABODE which is WONDERFUL BTW... If I could eat it I would, but I can't and I didn't. Also, I wasn't feeling well so I was pacing myself. I waited until around dinner time, when my aunt and uncle showed up with their friend from the STOOL of the midwest (Indianapolis), to GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! I cracked open another Sport Cap AND my uncle made me a rather potent Margarita. DELICIOUS. My MA made everyone two of the WHITEST Mexican dishes ever thought up. 1. A Taco RING made by rolling taco fillings up into pillsbury croissants and sorting it into a ring and then baking it. and 2. One of my all time personal favorites the Taco PIE: which you can find in an Old El Paso dinner box kit. It is just as it sounds, flour tortillas staked with taco filling in between each one and then, you guessed in...BAKED. An affordable and delicious way to pack on the calories. Let's not also forget the fixins': olives, shredded cheese, sour cream, lettuce, two different kinds of salsa, and of course a queso DIP. EAT IT ALL!..we did.

The next day was Christmas Eve and we were to be getting on a dusk time dinner cruise buffet! So we didn't eat too much during the day time in order to save room, so once we were on the boat we could PUT IT AWAY. The boat was nice, it was a yacht. It was huge. There were about 130 DINERS on board with just one line for food. We got on FIRST. How's that for Cheaters. We CHARGED the line and got helping 1 before most of the boat was even seated. We laughed and ate in the faces of all the old suckers who hobbled to their tables. The spread was as follows:

-Charred Apple Salad w/Romaine and Baby Lettuces, Cherry Tomatoes Halves, Butternut Squash, Dried Cherries, Roasted Grapes and Cider Dressing (SOUNDS HEALTHY, BOOO, delicious dressing though)

-Roast Baron Beef Round w/Bordelaise Sauce and Herbed Horseradish Aioli (Now we're talkin', but still not exactly CHEAT worthy)

-Sauteed Chicken Breast w/ Roasted Pears, Cranberries and a Honey Glaze (OOOO fruit and "GLAZE" sound like good cheat factors)

-Dijon Horseradish Crusted Salmon over a Lemon Dill Beurre Blanc (Delicious, but again, not bad for you at all)

-Penne Pasta Gratin w/Smoked Gouda (SHOW STOPPER! HERE IT IS, everything CHEAT in one dish...in case you're wondering, which you ARE otherwise you wouldn't still be reading...I had 3.5 helpings)

-Roasted Reg Potato "Scampi" w/Garlic, Olive Oil, Fresh Herbs, and Asiago Cheese (Potatoes BOOM, CHEESE AGAIN BOOM - 2 helpings)

-Steamed Broccoli, Cauliflower and Baby Carrots tossed in a Maple Vinaigrette (I happen to like everything about this dish cheat-worthy or not)

My 1st plate + Pretty Mama

That was the main Holiday Dinner of the trip. It was a fantastic evening. After dinner we enjoyed a slice of either chocolate fudge cake OR a sort of cheese cake. I got the chocolate cake and Nick (my bro) got the cheesecake thing. It was all quite good. We also enjoyed a cocktail or two while cruising around Clearwater sound as the sun set and the weather warmed us. Quite an evening, quite an event. If you find yourself in that area look up Yacht StarShip and TREAT YO SELF!

Christmas Day I got drunk. It was the only day I got "drunk" while in Florida, which was actually really nice. It was fun to not be drunk all the time on a vacay. But! It was also fun to be DRUNK on X-Mas. Let me TAKE YOU THERE. I awoke Christmas morning, pretty much before EVERYBODY just like always, cause I'm still a kid at heart and I went STRAIGHT for my stocking and ate 2 slimjims and some chocolate for breakfast. Merry Cheatmas everyone. Nick and I wanted to get on some Jetskis for X-mas, cause you can do that in Florida in December. But we got stonewalled as apparently if you aren't 30 you need some sort of special small watercraft license from the state of Florida (which you can get online) and young Nick is merely 28 years old. This is just another way for Florida to squeeze a little extra scratch out of our nation's YOUTH. FEH.

Where we get them Rum Runners

Since we got shut down at the Jetski place Nick and I snagged a quick MARG at the tiki bar next door and we played a little foosball (I won). We then went to the tiki bar a few spots down where we left the "adults". We left them there because they LOVE the Rum Runners they serve. 32 ounces for $10! Now that's a fuckin' CHEATMAS MIRACLE. Them bad boys are POTENT too. After that drink and the Margarita I was already pretty tipsy...drunk even. Drunk enough so that when the "adults" decided it was time to move on to my aunt's house where Christmas dinner was to be served I could not drive. Well guess what was at their house waiting for us. BEER!...and Bourbon and Lots.Fucking.Ovit.

You want details?! YOU GOT EM. (Thanks for the assist Nick). My aunt Maureen went traditional for X-Mas dinner. We ate ham, green bean casserole, some mashed taters, and a little side salad. And GUESS WHAT?! I had just one helping (except for the green bean casserole). This was mostly because I was more focused on drinking the delicious Big Storm Brewing Co.'s Tropic Pressure Florida Ale and smoking a nice lil'Montecristo courtesy of Uncle Randy.

The next day Nick had to get on a damn plane and get back to Virginia so we didn't have much time to waste. We went right back to that Jetski stand, license in hand ($10 later), and jetskiid about an hour around Clearwater Beach. It was awesome. We then knocked back another 32oz Rum Runner before I got Nick a lil'taste of sweet home Chicago! That's right, I found us a JET'S PIZZA to stop at on the way to dropping Nick at the airport! WOO! Ho YEAH! JETSJETSJETSJETSJETS! EAT IT UP!

The next couple of days were chill. We didn't eat to much NASTINESS. It was also just me and my folks kickin' it. We took it easy. We took a couple walks. Saw the movie The Mule (1 point and pump). Ate light and ate at home. In preparation for the lovely Liz's arrival I prepared some of my mom's famous brownies, with mom's help. They were delicious as ever. Our cheatin' asses enjoyed them heated with a scoop or two of peppermint ice cream. This is now one of my favorite desserts. Aside from sweets most of what Liz and I ate down in Florida with my folks wasn't very Cheaty. We ate gummy gators, chocolate bars, Pez, candy canes, brownies, cake, and all sorts of other sweets. I drank very little, if at all. We ate LIKE KINGS at a grill out at Aunt Maureen's: I'm talking surf and turf people. DECADENT yes, but CHEATY? Not even close! Oh yeah, they also have Wawas there, so of course I treated myself to a Wawa sub.

The next main event, as well all know, is New Years FUCKIN' Eve! Liz and I took a drive over to Orlando to go to Universal Studios. WHY?! No not Harry Potter you fucking NERDS, Jesus Christ, just stop reading. I'm Talking SPRINGFIELD. SIMPSONS LAND. MOTHER FUGGLERS! It was a dream. There isn't much to Springfield, but the detail is impeccable. The ride is VERY entertaining and fun, as are the carnival games, but most importantly Moe's Tavern is the TITS. I ordered a Duff Beer around noon and Liz had a non-alcoholic Flaming Moe (they are ONLY non-alcoholic, FYI but they are very fun). We then got a donut deemed "The Big Pink" and walked around eating it. Now this isn't the first time I've eaten THE BIG PINK, but it's the first time I ate this donut. It was good, cakey, but good! I enjoyed it.

One thing I'll say about Universal on the whole is, they know what they are doing in regards to line management and set detail. Walking around Diagon Alley was fanciful and magical, walking through lines to get to ride was so entertaining I didn't care when lines too more than half an hour (which was the average by the way) I'll go ahead and rank the rides now. I KNOW IT'S NOT FOOD RELATED BUT IT'S FUCKING FUN! SO FUCK YOU!

1. The Simpsons Ride (I'm a company man, what can I say)
2. Revenge of The Mummy (Haunted House Coaster complete with fire, water, and a surprise ending)
3. ET (Classic, delightful, magical, best enjoyed high off your ass)
4. Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit (The only true coaster on the OG side of the Park, solid coaster, PLUS you get to pick a song you will listen to the whole ride)
5. Men in Black Alien Attack (Best line, made you feel most like you were a part of the movie, also had a nice competitive twist)
6. Fast & Furious Supercharged (Fairly fun line, fun-ish ride, would be better if you weren't crammed on a bus sized car, best projections and actor integration. Who doesn't like The Rock)
7. Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon (Why is this a ride? Was actually delightful, exceeded all expectations...but really...why?)

They Did Conan Dirty

8. Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts (This sucked. I'm no hater. Not really anyway. I like the Harry Potter universe. I enjoyed the movies and the few books I read, but this ride essentially took what the Mummy does and waters it down (no water effect pun intended). Not only that but it's got the LONGEST (obvi) SHITTIEST line to wait in. I think Liz and I waited close to 90 minutes and most of it was like waiting in a line at the bank or the DMV or a VERY busy library. So...if that's what they were trying to simulate...good on them. They definitely did it.)

Even waiting in this traffic to get out was somehow more fun than the line to the Harry Potter ride.

Honestly, I would rate the Harry Potter ride as dead LAST in the things that we did at Universal, even after resting in the car before going back in the park for the New Years Countdown, and waiting in line at the lost and found to get Liz's phone back. Fight me NERDS! And I'm done! What did I eat you say!?

Well, OF COURSE Liz and I ate at Krusty Burger, which was essentially classic middle of the road and WAY over priced amusement park food, but WHEN IN SPRINGFIELD! She got a Krusty Burger with cheese and curly fried as well as a sugar free soda. I got THE CLOGGER! (basically a double bacon cheeseburger) with curly fries and a sugar free soda. The sugar free soda is actually a wise choice since we spent all day walking around in the sun. I also capped the night off with one more Duff Beer and Liz got a small sack of candy. We counted down in a large mass of people with a DJ leading the charge and then we immediately got in line for the coaster again. 2019 started with a roller coaster. Here's hoping the year is more of a steady rise to a long and sturdy plateau, or the most boring rollercoaster ever thought up! I will check back in every time I get a little TOO Cheaty. Who knows, maybe I'll do a Super Bowl edition if a certain team makes it. Take care of yourselves! Take care of each other! Eat like your life depended on it!

ELE,
Zach

Are we down with 'em?

NO! They must've seen YOU!